About sixteen years ago, I met him for the first time. My trainwreck sibling brought home this adorable puppy he had no business adopting because he had not one thing in his life that wasn’t a mess. I was furious at my sibling – he didn’t even take care of himself, how could he drag
Turns out, if I lower my standards to just “do the chores when told without whining (much)”, they’re able to meet that. Progress!
They’ve made a new friend who is much more available than their longtime bestie and equally interested in meeting up for playdates constantly and this combination is explosive.
They have had 4 5 playdates since October, two back to back, and they’re jonesing for as many more as they can possibly manage. I recognize this impulse from when I was younger and oh so lonely and wanted desperately to have a best friend. JB has many more friends than I ever did but is naturally limited in their ability to socialize all day every single day by their fuddy dud parents who have to work and sleep and such.
It’s a weird dynamic for me. We have met the parents and even the grandparent over the past year as we run into each other regularly but we don’t know each other very well. I miss the ease of knowing and liking their longtime bestie’s family. This is new territory in a few ways. We’ve never let JB go off with anyone else’s parents driving. We’ve never let JB go to a playdate without one of us around. Recently, their new friend’s parents allowed New Friend to come play at our house solo one day, and to go on a field trip with us another day. They’ve got more kids than we do and thanked us for the invitations because New Friend doesn’t get out much. They’re quite nice about it which makes me feel like a bit of a jerk wondering but, but why do you trust us? You don’t really know us! And I don’t know you! Not really. We need to give New Friend a nickname. We’ll call them Jay. The kids are getting to an age where it’s more normal for them to go play without their parents but I don’t know what I need to be comfortable with that with new folks. We’d be fine with that sort of playdate at Longtime Bestie’s. We know their family, we know they don’t have weapons in the home, we know they have boundaries and can make the kids mind. But they’re so busy now, we have to let JB branch out and make new friends and socialize. That makes me sad about not being able to hang out with the easy established friends and anxious about having to establish new relationships and rules with new people and navigating all that. For example, Jay asked their mom in front of us: next time can JB come over to our house??? And the look on their mom’s face as she murmured “oh our house is so messy…” I quickly said “look, you’re always welcome here, and this is probably easier to play without your siblings, right? We can keep Smol Acrobat out of your hair.” Jay acknowledged the truth in that. And I sighed inside with relief that I wouldn’t have to navigate THAT for a little longer. But probably will have to figure it out sooner than later. And they’ll keep pressing the issue.
Life with Smol Acrobat
Smol Acrobat is obsessed with transit vehicles which is perfect for their auntie who is also obsessed with transit vehicles. They bond over transit and cats. They’re so obsessed with cats they walk around pretending to be a cat every day. Basically this is the cat I can have so long as I’m living with an allergic PiC.
They’re still toilet training resistant. Sigh.
They’re talking a whole lot more. They’re starting to tell us short stories about their time at daycare, and it’s really cute to finally hear their point of view.
Oh, baby, no:
“Dis a fire hydrant. I open dis and fire coming out! You need to move, it will burn you!”
“S! S is in my name!” (no, it isn’t)
“T! for zipper!”
“L! for mommy!”
Pupdate š¶
Sera has a new Pavlovian response. Every time I take the lid off a new pot of rice, she starts drooling. She’s right, though, most of the time it’s for her.
Her bloodwork is currently the most frustrating teeter totter. One set of values goes down like we want, another set shoots up. We adjust meds, they flip flop. We’re on our fourth panel this week, and they are NOT cheap, and everything is crossed that we finally get a set of readings that show she’s responding to the medication without compromsing her liver. (Please please please.)
Evenings are tough. She’s relatively happy to do her own wandering and sleep routine while I’m working and JB is doing homework but she really doesn’t like it when I’m too mobile getting the kids to bed and all that nighttime stuff.
She follows me from room to room with an increasingly put-upon expression because she can’t lay down, not if I’m going to keep moving. More often than not, I hustle to get all my things in one place just so she can settle in for her snooze, even if it confines me to my desk or my bed. Anything not to disrupt the old and ailing dog. š
Precious Moments
Smol Acrobat, squirming under blanket: Can I sit wif youuuuu?
JB: Siiiiiigh. Stop it, make your own nest.
SA: *continues squirming
JB: Sttttttoooooppp squirming!
SA: Can I SIT WIF YOU!
JB: No, make your own nest. Why are you invading MY nest?
SA: But I wan’ sit NEX to you!
JB: *sigh* Do you want me to make you a nest next to mine?
SA: YES
I wondered if they were going to make it through that without intervention.
SA: Mommy, I want to read Team Spidey.
Me: Ok, go ahead.
SA: Da one wif Trac-E.
Me: … yes…. go ahead?
SA: I can’ find it.
Me: Go check your room, that’s where we read it last.
SA: *Leaves, comes back a few minutes later with a Bluey book* I will read dis instead.
Me: Can you get me the little booklet?
Smol Acrobat: *Blank stare*
Me: Can you get me the book we used yesterday?
Smol Acrobat: *Blank stare*
Me: The little book with the instructions?
*Blank stare*
Me: The one made of paper?
Smol Acrobat: OH YES! I gon get it fast-uh and fast-uh, ok? I go FAS. You stay dere! Stay WIGHT dere, ok?
SA: I’m putting my shoes away but I don’t want to put my socks away.
Me: Ok you can keep your socks on if you want to.
SA: Yah! Dat happens sometimes.
SA: Do you like potato?
Me: Yes
SA: I SAID do you like potato?
Me: I said yes!
SA: Do you hear me? I SAID DO YOU LIKE POTATO!
Me: I already answered you…!
SA: What are you saying to me? Do you like potato yes or NO?
Me: Maybe they’re talking to a ghost ….
JB: No offense to Luigi but he’s kind of a chicken. He cried soooo much when he was in the (unintelligible) lands. Mario is braver.
Me: You think Mario is actually braver or was he hiding that he was afraid?
Smol’s non sequiturs:
– I’m getting so many owanges. I’m not big, I’m smol. I’m not big anymo’!
– A monologue while playing by my feet: I have so many cards so we can go to the store. I will dwive you. I will drive you to Dr. Awin, ok? Vwoom vwoom vwoom vwoom vwoom. Ok, we here! Ok now I take you to anudder doctor. Vwoom vwoom vwoom. I take you to the nurse. I’m a doctor. I will put you down and put a shot on you. Ok waay downnn. Put a shot on you! Ok, all done. We go to our home now. I will dwive you. I have so many cards now. Wemme put dese cards away. I will p’ay different toys.
Year 4, Day 349: A Monday after a time change plus almost a full night of insomnia as I try to fight off Smol’s virus: things could be better.
Insomnia meant that I got to give Libby a try, though, so no ill wind or whatever that saying is. I finished a book of short stories. I don’t love the interface. I don’t hate it either. I like the principle of being able to read an ebook without using Kindle in my attempts to move away from that environment but I’ve hated Kobo’s reader app. I still use it because I’d started buying some of my collections at Kobo, but find the reading experience sticky and aggravating.
A tired Smol Acrobat was mildly cooperative about sitting down to dinner (literally, the sitting down part) but was disappointed we would not (could not) grant their request: can we have a call (A PTA meeting)? We just had one, kiddo.
Year 4, Day 350:Gloom gloom drippy gloom this morning kept everyone glued to their beds well past time. We had to hustle to get JB to school before the last bell so naturally the moods turned sour when JB couldn’t get my ok for getting breakfast at school and their homework checked in the ten minutes we had before hitting the road. Ah well. Mornings are tough.
The kids do karaokes (kar-a-ok-kahs, not the singing kar-a-oh-kee) as part of their PE warm ups and I started doing them when walking Sera. I look as silly as anything but it gets my heart rate up and, for the short distance we normally walk, that’s a small good thing. My knees don’t always agree. But.
My people avoidance continues. We had to grab takeout today and I’d forgotten to order online before like normal. I gritted my teeth and resolved to stand in line and order at the counter like normal people do. We got into the long line and I whipped out my phone and placed the order. By the time the people previously behind us in line placed their orders, ours was being packed. I feel both sheepish and vindicated. But every minute counts? I weakly defend myself since I worked until 11 pm so I could stay awake and take Sera š¶ for her last walk of the night. And then we start all over again at 7 am. *Flop*
Year 4, Day 351: Rough night for Smol, I had to soothe them from 11-1130 pm, then again from 420-645 am. I was half conscious for the latter. Couldn’t sleep but couldn’t fully wake. Normally PiC takes all the nights but he deserves a break plus he was getting up for the 6 am registration for the kids. It’s hard getting them into the local swim classes but they’re so significantly less expensive than private that it’s worth the pain and effort.
Another set of karaokes for my morningest walk with Sera š¶. When the kids do them, they’re going at speed, practically flying. It’s almost balletic. Not so for me, progressing up and down the street slowly and clunkily! But so far it gives me the muscles working feeling of a run without the PEM that often follows an attempt to run. Win, I think? We’ll see if the muscle aches pass in a reasonable amount of time.
A customer snarked that they’d appreciate more understanding for their busy schedule and more polite communication because they weren’t being fraudy on purpose. I caught my negative response spiral and reminded myself that just because they didn’t like being told no, doesn’t mean that I was in the wrong for being very clear about the reasons for the no since I’d already explained them in detail just a week ago. I hate how a comment like that, even unwarranted, can knock my emotional equilibrium out of whack. I’m proactively telling myself that a) Just because their feelings got hurt that I was blunt and to the point doesn’t mean I was wrong (especially since I had already explained the exact same thing last week). b) I can do other things instead of dwell on the feeling of being insulted. Managed to redirect the RSD almost entirely! New win for me!
Plus the CWC sent out an update and shared this adorable fawn they’re caring for.
Year 4, Day 352: Observing some complex feelings about money: I have been giving a chunk of cash every week to folks I “know” who ran out of money for the past few weeks or months. I don’t dwell on how much if cash flow still flows. Then I look at something like this and think “oh, like that necklace is cool, but I can’t afford that. It’d be nice if it didn’t feel like it had to be a choice between one or the other but for now, I always choose “friends having food or housing” over getting a pretty. I don’t mind, it’s just an observation.
I also have that “I haven’t given enough” feeling, “people need so much more”. That bashes up against my “we don’t have nearly enough for us to retire safely in 7 years” feeling which is constantly jostling for space again my “what about just doing the best you can for a while and attempting to achieve some balance right now which may mean taking longer to retire??” feelings. I still act allergic to the idea of pulling back the intensity of our savings, especially now when we’re doing well enough to save AND still live comfortably. It feels like taking our good fortune for granted NOT to make hay while the sun shines, y’know? Anyway. That’s just what’s bouncing around my skull.
Year 4, Day 353: It’s official, the layoffs that have been going around and around PiC’s company are going to hit his department anytime starting in two weeks from now through the end of this summer. That’s all we know and that’s doing my heartburn no good. I’ve done up a quick and dirty adjustment to our budget assuming that we lose PiC’s income, benefits, and access to the daycare. I wonder if they’re hurting for money enough to let us stay … no, probably not. The budget balances ok on just my salary if I cut out his income, all our weekly savings, and the cost of daycare. A little ironic that just yesterday I was balancing my feelings. Today it’s the budget. Life! Sure does come at you fast.
It was a hell of a busy day yesterday: meeting after meeting after meeting after crisis after meeting. While I was drowning in all of it, PiC plotted all the plans needed to make it possible for me to take a few hours to have dinner with an old friend on very little notice and I’m so grateful. The last time I went out on my own just for a fun thing was … five years ago? Seven? I honestly can’t remember. I really needed that reprieve. It was a quiet night and bolstered me enough to take the possible layoff news with more calm than I would normally have had.
Today was my day to pay the piper between the hard day yesterday and the hard news this morning. HIGH pain hit me with very little fanfare. I wrapped up in heating pads to try and combat the pain, didn’t even think to take pain meds for several hours because historically they don’t really do much, and settled in to catch up on that pile of work left from last night, catch up on laundry a little more, and try not to leak involuntary tears when my muscles screech. Oof. They burn like I ran a marathon.
1. We made it a whole two and a half weeks without a fever/viral incident! The streak ended this weekend but I’m impressed we went that long. It’s the first long stretch of the year.
Sad that the virus also hit me on the weekend as well. I was very excited to do a batch cooking session and a grocery shopping trip this weekend but couldn’t. I rage-cleaned 2/3s of the stove, all I had the energy for, but it didn’t make me feel better about ruining my plans. I’m not sure I’ll feel well enough this weekend either but that’s more the fatigue talking.
2. Sunday’s time change was more painful for me and Sera whose water has to go away by 8 pm than the kids, who both slept in for once in their lives. That was a surprise.
I started writing this the week after the weekend’s events but ran out of time and energy to finish it as we cleaned up.
I knew that the weekend’s atmospheric river could bring us some real grief. High winds are dangerous – we had a narrow miss with our car and a lamppost in last year’s last big storm. Floods from the excess rain are dangerous, too. We keep getting just soaked a week or so ago so the soil’s not ready to absorb any more, making flooding more likely. Our own neighborhood is less likely to flood but still, being aware of the risk, we try to stay out of the way as much as we can.
We’ve been added to our emergency / disaster preparedness kid over the past several months. Our latest purchases were a set of cheapish lanterns and an expensive electric generator on Black Friday. The Yeti 3000x was on sale but I still wondered if that was an extravagant overly paranoid purchase. I stopped second-guessing this weekend. In fact, I think we need a second one!
Day 1: Our power went out several times on Sunday, so of course, hubris set in. I stopped worrying so much about a few hours of outage at a time. Then it stayed out the last time. PGE gave us a really big window for power restoration on the last one, and the affected area on the outage map showed that well over 10,000 residences were affected just in our region. This was true of the top half of CA on the outage map. That last estimate was well past the 4 hour window of safety for the perishables in the fridge, so we hauled out the Yeti and went through all the first time set up pains by lantern light while I grumpily kicking myself for not doing the test run I had intended to do before we needed to. The kids squabbled, played, and bickered while PiC and I discovered the shortcomings of our plan: the extension cord for the fridge seemed like it didn’t work, the .
Day 2: We snuck the behemoth over to PiC’s work into an abandoned corner to charge. We knew that charging devices was permitted but felt sheepish about bringing the whole power station. We got enough power to get both freezers back down to 0 degrees and keep the fridge running overnight. The
The libraries were opened for charging services too but we didn’t want to take up an outlet spot away from someone who didn’t have an alternate location to go to. All the local businesses in our local area are down. It was so weird to see all blacked out while it’s business as usual across town.
Our 6 pm power restore time was pushed AGAIN to midnight and at this point I’m skeptical we’ll get anything.
Can’t vacuum, can’t run the dishwasher, can’t wash clothes. Kinda feeling like I’m in a weird version of Vietnam on grandma’s farm where everything shuts down at sunset because there’s only generator electricity and that’s wasteful if you don’t need it.
This was probably the least worst case scenario possible, so it was perfect for a stress test. Boy was it stressful. We made it through this ok, but the many gaps in our coverage make me uncomfortable.
What we’ve learned
We need better lanterns. The UST solar LED lantern is the best one but sadly we only bought one several years ago. I was being cautious of buying too many at first without testing them first. Too cautious, they’ve discontinued the exact one we have and love. This is the one they have now. I’m really hoping the quality of this one is just as good.
The Yeti can run the fridge off a full charge for 31 hours uninterrupted with about 40% charge left.Ā It can probably up to 36 hours or more uninterrupted. The fridge draws a range of 8 to 420 watts variably. We can stretch that even longer if we unplug it for 2-3 hours at a time every so often. We bought an extension cord for the fridge, so that it can be plugged into the Yeti without being pulled 2 feet away from the wall, and I did another stress test. It can keep one fridge going for a full 24 hours with 9.7 hours left until it ran dry. We could stretch that out by only keeping it plugged in for 4-6 hour intervals as needed.
We need more variety in food. PiC and I both felt sluggish after the high carb Mountain House dinner the first night. Maybe that was mostly the stress that was dragging us down but it’s worth being more on top of the variety. REI had a 10% off backpacking food sale so I ordered 13 replacement Mountain House meals, a few of the same, a few new meals, to replenish our stock. This gives us variety in types of meals but not the starch theme so I’ll have to figure that out.
Year 4, Day 342: I’ve moved the toothpaste well away from the lotion on the vanity. Just to be sure.
This week has to be an early out the door week. Last week needed to be, too, but we didn’t manage it. My heaviness pinned me to the bed most mornings, too tired after a night of painsomnia and sadness to crawl out earlier. Today was a more promising start. It was physically painful but I got out 20 minutes earlier, closer to my preferred time, and even got JB to school at the earliest possible drop off time. It was a good warmup for tomorrow when we have to get PiC out even earlier so he can make a meeting.
We’ve got work meetings, the PTA this week, and a Sera š¶ appointment this week. Fingers crossed that no more than that gets added to the calendar.
It was an unusual “only small problems, no giant fraud rings” Monday and I’m fully appreciating it. I’ve got to get back on my management horse tomorrow and deal with some training and staffing things but any reprieve is a good reprieve.
Yesterday I attempted three rounds of planks on my hands instead of my forearms. This is the first time in decades that I’ve tested my hands and wrists this way. For years, any pressure or weight on them would trigger a flare. It’s been a real sinker of my morale because my one strength was upper body strength as the runt in my class. I’m hoping I can build up to some strength and tolerance in them again but this is my warning to myself to skip days in between so I don’t stress them right out of the gate. Tonight, they’re mildly twingy, not quite stiff or painful, so I’m hopeful I can do another short set tomorrow. š¤
PiC brought home a large slice of the most decadent chocolate cake we’ve ever tasted in our lives. We don’t even like chocolate cake but this was heavenly. It’s from some specialty bakery up too north to be worth the drive so obviously we’ll never get it again. We will have fond memories. š
Year 4, Day 343: Well. I got that early wake up. PiC discovered, to our great dismay, that Sera š¶ had had an accident inside. We’ve been so careful to walk, medicate, feed and water her on a very specific schedule to make her comfortable enough to get through the night. Walks every 2-4 hours starting at 730 depending on her mood/need, meds by 3 pm, last food and water by 8 pm, last late night walk between 10 pm-12 am. 8 weeks without incident. Then I screwed up. So busy with work, I missed her 3 pm meds alarm yesterday, and it threw her enough out of whack that she couldn’t make it through the night. Nothing like a 6 am wake up to go scrub floors together. Sigh.
I carefully calibrated her schedule for the rest of the day to take her out six times to empty her bladder sufficiently to make it through tonight. Six walks today, plus four JB pickup and dropoffs, plus work, plus throwing together dinner (part leftover, part baked salmon).
Then I threw in a half hour of reading aloud to JB because I want them to give Diane Duane’s Young Wizards series a chance to see the contrast between the empty calorie racist Harry Potter series and a well written wizarding series recommended by Ursula Vernon. I love anything Vernon writes so I figured her taste in books has to be pretty reliable. Not that I expected it to be like her books, it doesn’t work that way. But she’s a thoughtful person and an author who enjoys reading, that tends to add up to good recommendations. Anyway, Young Wizards starts out a bit more dense than they’re used to so I decided to read it to them and let them ask me all the questions. We’ll see how long I can handle making this additional thing work.
My wrists held up through 3 very short rounds of planks. They twinged after but not terribly and if they recover throughout tomorrow, I can try again on Thursday.
It’s not 9 pm yet and I’m dropping in my tracks. But I still owe some people some answers so back online I go for another 1.5 hours of work, and then I’ve got Sera’s last walk. If I manage to make lights out at 11, that’ll feel almost like a win.
Reading Fiqah’s obituary (gift link) made my sadness feel heavier, albeit clearer. She deserved better than this. She was a good person.
Year 4, Day 344: I had dreams all night that Fiqah was still alive and we were still able to help her. I hate how those dreams about our losses linger in my psyche all day long. I get them with my mom and past dogs, too.
I’m trying to shake that ‘I’m such a downer’ feeling with everything going on and find something joyful. Then I remembered that a friend sent me this pilot of The No 1 Ladies Detective Agency show. I’ve read all the books and didn’t know it was a series! Sadly, there’s only one season, but that might be the pick me up needed. Jill Scott is absolutely perfect as Precious Ramotse.
Also I SHOULD feel triumph over finally figuring out a foreign tax claim back form that took me hours to work on. I’m not feeling it yet but I’m reminding myself that that was big. More than one of PiC’s colleagues weren’t even aware of that tax claim form’s existence so I should also be a little proud for digging deep and finally finding something that refunds a significant amount of money that doesn’t seem to be common knowledge. They’ve asked PiC for a guide which means they’re really asking me. They’ve been good colleagues to him so I’ll save them a bit of legwork but it’ll need to be when I’m a little less tired.
Year 4, Day 345: A friend commented on her burnout and what she described, feeling upset/angry/cynical about the world, our government, the pandemic and the CDC, our future, do we have one??, climate change, it’s all very much how I’m feeling, plus my personal grief from losses this year. It’s all too much and it’s all so heavy.
It’s probably not normal to mentally growl “UGH I HATE YOU” to every email you write, even if it’s well deserved, to fraudy fraudpants customers. It’s probably not normal to feel like giving up after being asked to do even the smallest slightest extra thing. I’m feeling like the proverbial camel and the last straw has been sliding on top of the pile. That’s been a dark cloud hanging over my psyche for months.
My working day was almost entirely derailed by a huge shakeup at work that required hours of follow up. That’s a huge thing I’m processing, interspersed with Sera’s frequent outings, school pick up, after school activity, and then throwing dinner on the table in time to try to listen to the PTA meeting, whew. I was back at my desk to clear off the last remaining things that I needed done before a long day ahead of me tomorrow.
One good bit, though it’s more work for me: JB asked if we could read more So You Want To Be A Wizard tomorrow night. I actually really hate reading out loud but it’ll be worth the sacrifice to encourage them to stretch their reading horizons a little.
Year 4, Day 346: Friend shared this and I couldn’t help but laugh.
PiC got his tax claim forms notarized so I can try to wrap up THAT one small section of taxes. I have to wait another week before I can finalize the package for our tax person to get working on them. I’m really resentful of the one company that went and asked for an extension because I could be DONE by now but they’ve put me two weeks behind. Grumble.
It turns out my tax person may be wrong, and I don’t have to file a tax return for JB to prove they have earned income before I can deposit their business earnings in a Roth IRA for them. They had a handful of sales last year, not enough to need to file a return, so that would be the only reason I’d file. I certainly don’t intend to sign up for extra work if I don’t have to! I am a little excited about opening the Roth once I figure out what’s net after expenses.
I’ve been taking up Sera’s š¶ water after 8 pm because she’s drinking so much that she’ll be full to bursting before I get up to walk her in the morning. She followed me around as I got ready for bed, and oh my goodness the LOOK I got when I filled my water bottle and didn’t give her any. It was grim. I felt so bad. But I also can’t get up in the middle of the night to take her out, I’m too physically exhausted from the 5-6 walks a day plus everything else I do. I need some unbroken sleep. One wakeup doesn’t equal two ok blocks of sleep for me. It means a splinter of sleep because my anxiety about waking up would prevent me from sleeping, and then I’d be too tired and wired to fall asleep again until just half an hour before needing to get up. My body is like clockwork. Deranged, broken, irrational clockwork.
1. Laying in bed in a lot of pain after my massage, because sometimes that’s how my muscles react to the treat, I discovered that Ilona Andrews has a weekly Friday serial featuring Roman! I’d glee about how I love Roman but fairness then demands I admit there really isn’t any character from the Kate Andrews world I wouldn’t enjoy reading about. Still. Roman’s turn!
2. I have two twirl skirts from Svaha, purchased 2 and 4 years ago, that are still in regular rotation in good weather (not that we have a whole lot of that). In July, I noticed that the pocket of the older one had torn slightly. It’s been sitting on my dresser since then waiting for repair. I finally managed to pull out the sewing machine and mend the pocket!
For funsies, I had a look through the twirl skirts in case they have a really good sale and I feel the need to add one more someday. My favorites: Starry Night, Chromatic scales, Solar eclipse
Our long term goal is to replace our day job income with passive income before my health prevents me from working. I know from my Mom’s experience that qualifying for or relying on disability is incredibly tough or near impossible here in CA. Aside from that, I aim to do my best to make the most of what we can do while we can.
***
Dividend income. We received $944 in dividends from the stocks portfolio.
The second payment from the Lithium battery settlement landed: $1.44. Someone joked that they could keep that dollar, and I said, I’ll take it! Every one of our dollars goes somewhere important.